Full Name: 'The One and Otis'

Rank: Like you wouldn't believe....

Serial Number: Fiber One

Age: Not getting any younger

Hair: No

Eyes: "Squinty"

Height: Yes

Weight: Varies from meal to meal

Sex: All sex is inherently licentious, just ask Augustine

Blood Type: Liquid

Birthplace: Boston, MA (Go Mooninites!)

Race: Otis is a unique creature, genetically engineered to embody brash stupidity

Astrological Sign: Narcissus

Current Residence: In a van down by the river

Distinguishing Marks: Insists he has a light pink birthmark in the shape of a star on left shin

Hobbies: Condemning heretics (people who disagree with Otis), yelling, gnawing on small wooden objects

Bio:
Otis is the only true gospel preacher alive, he is a self-described,
'Completed Calvinist, Word Faith Cessationist, Young-Flat-Earth Evolutionist, Eighth-Day Antinomian Anglo-Israelist, Fully-Preteristic Postmillenial Dispensationalist, KJV-Only Sabellianistic Neo-Arian, and permanently-closed-communion Paedobaptist.' He believes that no one is actually saved, because such teachings glorify men, but that speaking in the tongues of men and squirrels would be the true mark of salvation if it ever were to occur.

He believes, among many other things, that holding a steady job is sinful and shows a lack of faith in God, much the same way seeking medical care and exercising personal hygeine do. Consequently, he can't afford things like bandwidth or site hosting to proclaim the truth of the gospel of no good news for man. He tried to get one of those free site thingies, but was turned down by Angelfire and even Homestead for being 'too far in left field.' He got a blogspot account briefly, but after he uploaded his first few posts, their server, in a heroic and self-sacrificial attempt to save life as we know it, initiated a head crash that miraculously corrupted Otis' posts into something that vaguely bore resemblence to making sense (the blog later came to be known as 'Team Pyro'), and performed a simultaneous lockout and permanent banning on Otis himself.

Up to this point, Otis had relied upon internet access at his local library, but lost his computer priveleges. Apparently, the Microsoft Nazis who run the place were unregenerate, and therefore incapable of appreciating the beauty of having one of their machines being 'born again' as a Linux server. In despair, Otis turned to sending smoke signals to put his message out, but was arrested for violating local fire ordinances and castigated (which isn't nearly as painful as it sounds) by the Cherokee nation for his gross misspellings.

Just when he had all but given up hope, while surfing on the internet at his mom's house, Otis ran across a certain website, it was run by a guy who subscribed to heretical, Synergistic theology and had close ties to those cursed Arminians! A pretentious wannabe theologian who, when faced with sound, scriptural rebuke (like being told he was a simpleton and liar with 'boy band theology') from giants of the faith like Triablogue, instead of caving in and crying like a little girl as any true Christian should, had the nerve to sinfully point out their egregious logical fallacies and selfishly defend his man-glorifying views! Here, Otis claimed, he had found his archnemesis, the embodiment of anti-Otisism, the single greatest threat to Monergism on the internet; for this reason, Otis declared, to proclaim the truth of Completed Calvinism, this was the site that he needed to hack into!! ...But he more likely did it because he couldn't crack the passwords of someone more prominent....